Compassion and self-compassion in a time of COVID

It just so happens that I signed up for a yearlong class Buddhist class with my teacher, Ethan Nichtern, a month before Covid-19 hit. Each Wednesday night a group of 40 of us gather, now online, to listen to teachings and meditate. Currently we're in a cycle about Lovingkindness, or Metta (Pali definition lovingkindess). Offering phrases like "may you be safe, may you be happy, may you be healthy and may you live with ease" to ourselves and expanding out to others - teachers, friends, difficult people and then broadly - our building, our city or town, our country and the world. It can feel like a really connective exercise to know that what we hope for ourselves - safety, happiness, health - all beings hope for too. Especially now.

I've been using my time in quarantine to get into my practice - and trying to have some sort of structure in the morning where I meditate, stretch and journal (with coffee) religiously. In this bubble of observation and awareness, stuck at home, I've been seeing my thoughts more clearly during the day. My aversions and fears to do things. My avoidance. And particularly my self talk. My critic. I have a really powerful and snarky one.

A couple weeks back I received this email from Elizabeth Gilbert and I read it with this sense of "yuck, it's soooo sentimental and corny." It felt self congratulatory and saccharine. (I guess the critic isn't only directed at me, sorry Liz.) She writes about how to approach fear with a compassionate heart, to journal and self soothe by writing to yourself with compassion. It felt so over the top...

“I see how frightened you are. Little one. And that’s all right. This is a frightening time. It’s okay if you’re scared, but I need you to understand that I am right here with you.
You don’t have to have any answers right now, sweetheart. And it’s okay if you feel paralyzed or helpless or if you make mistakes along the way or even if you overreact, I don’t need you to perform well. I don’t need anything from you. I just love you and I’m with you no matter what. And I will just sit here talking gently and lovingly to you for as long as it takes until you can draw a breath again. I’m in no hurry. I’ve got nowhere else more important to be. I have nothing else more important to do and to love you. Nothing matters more than me being here for you. I’ve got you. I love you, and I’m not going anywhere”.

Barf. I got judgy. Who talks to themselves like that? And then, the other day, while thinking of intention and goals, I thought...I really need to stop talking to myself so harshly. Beating myself up when I get scared or think I'm not good enough. I'm so sick of that critic voice. It does nothing, encourages my fear and really just slows me down. So I thought, "Ok. You're journaling. Try this. Start out writing a letter to yourself and being compassionate about all the things you're going through. Instead of saying "I'm not being productive" say, "Hey self, it's great you're going to accomplish that hard thing today! What are you scared of? You're actually really good at it. Is there any support your need need today? How can I help you feel good?" I gave myself that goal, not being allowed to drink my coffee until I had completed a page. Huge motivation.

Many of us struggle to offer lovingkindness to ourselves. A sense of guilt or uncomfortable-ness with the practice. I remember years ago in a teacher training class I led a metta practice and unconsciously skipped over offering it to ourselves. I realized recently, my like putting your oxygen mask on yourself before your child on a plane, we're not much use to others without caring for our own mental state. Once we spend a bit of time on ourselves, we build the resources needed to extend out to friends, even foes, and direct compassion outwards to those suffering.

For the past few days I've been doing it. Seeing myself differently and offering compassion to the places where I feel a bit stuck. Breaking things into smaller tasks and going slow with things that I have trouble with (i.e. budgeting and not freaking out about money). Taking things one day at a time. Not spending so much time believing each article I read - talk going back to "normal" in a month (holy shit, not ready) to talk of no real "normal" until 2022 (holy shit, how will we all survive). Going slow. Mindfully. Trying to remember what is important. Setting smaller goals. Being nice to myself. I hate to say it but maybe Elizabeth Gilbert was right. (The Dalai Lama talks about the need for compassion in a recent Time magazine article.) Each day is different and each day is a practice. I'm sure there will be days my critic takes over. Or fear does. But having the intention to be kind - to myself and others - definitely helps.

And if you're curious about Metta practice - here are a couple links to teachers I like and have found helpful.

Sharon Salzberg's book Lovingkindness and an intro to metta meditation.

Ethan Nichtern's Tonglen meditation (more intense practice of breathing in pain and out relief for self and others)

Pema Chodron Maitri (Sanskit) guided meditation with lovely introduction and explaination

Tara Brach Lovingkindness meditation